Looking Up From Rock Bottom

Blink.... ..Blink..... I wake to another day. Wipe off the left over dreams that are still in my eyes. I roll on to the side and curl up. I close my eyes and pretend I'm asleep. This is not the world I want to wake up to. -- Me


The curtains were shut, I knew the sun was out. I could see its rays filtered through the tiny holes of the fabric. They were coming through like glitter dust and scattering over the floor, my bed and me. I stared at them all morning. The kind of morning that lasts all afternoon. I knew that beyond my window was a world where people are going about their lives. Smiling at the sun, feeling its warmth. I couldn't feel the warmth, I didn't want to look out. I couldn't feel the light. I just couldn't feel.
I lay in my bed, thinking of the night before. The night that started this. I had woken up, woken up. I didn't want to open my eyes. Open my eyes to the realisations that had hit me the night before. I couldn't remember if I had woken up or whether I had never slept. Had I been sleeping all my life?

How many of us go through life knowing exactly what is right and what is wrong? I am one of them. I had been sure I knew everything there is to know about how life ought to be. What success should look like, what happiness means, what love feels like.
I have lived with a strong awareness of who I am. I knew me. I was sure of what I would do in every crisis, seemingly big or comparatively small. I was this strong individual with love for freedom rooted in the search for 'The Good Life'. I had values, principles, and standards. Standards set by my belief in the innate good or purity of all people and all things. People are not bad, they just make mistakes. But time and time again I've been taught that I am naive. I live in a world of make-believe. Genuine compassion and the continuous endeavour of trying to see the 'good' in all that is, is nothing but purely idiotic.

The night before was one such night. I lie in bed, teary-eyed. All I see is blurry. Not just my vision, but my thoughts, my beliefs and me. Blurred. Blinking doesn't help. The world is not a different place each time I try to blink it away. It just comes back, clearer than before. I think of the voices that tell me to 'smarten-up', to build the walls around me, to be detached.

All I can say to them is, I know I hurt now, I know I didn't need this. I even know that this will happen again. If I were to construct my walls and secure them with electrical fences, YES, I wouldn't be hurt... I would not feel pain...I would be detached...I cannot be reached by anything or anyone...I will not be touched...
But, if I stay, being my-own-self... I will love, I will hurt, I'll feel pain...I will live. I will give all I can give; I will reach the ones behind the walls. I will show them how their walls only stop them from seeing all that they are worth and more.

Is that so bad? Am I still an idiot?
Tell me something I haven't heard before :)